Updated: Jun 11, 2020
I was an addict long before I ever picked up an illegal substance, and I’m an addict years after I last used. What makes me an addict isn’t the drugs I eventually put into my body. What makes me an addict is the way I think and feel, which eventually leads me to using drugs if I’m not taking daily action to keep my addiction arrested.
For as long as I can remember I’ve felt different. I never felt like I fit in. I’ve always felt inferior and superior, all at the same time- an egotistical maniac with an inferiority complex. I constantly compare and contrast my insides with other people’s outsides. I’m either thinking about all the ways I’m better than someone or all the ways I’m worse, and my life used to be completely consumed by it.
Through the process of recovery via the 12 steps I’ve learned that missing piece that’s always been inside of my soul was only something that God could fill. When I began to have faith in a higher power everything changed for me. I stopped fighting everything and everyone. Instead of allowing my head to think of all the ways I didn’t fit in, I decided to come up with ways to reach out to others. Rather than focusing on the ways that I wasn’t enough, I started to see all the ways that I’m blessed. I choose gratitude each and every day. Some days are better than others, but I have hope that with each passing day, if I choose to continue to seek my higher power and do the necessary work to keep me clean and connected to others, I’ll continue to lose self doubt and become more filled with love, hope, courage, and faith.
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